Senior Moments

Ah, those senior moments!  I’m not a senior yet.  Depending on one’s point of view, I’m not even close.  If one is from the old school opinion that one is a senior at 65, then I’m way far away from being one.  If one thinks that 55 is a senior, then I’d better slow down or I’ll crash! Lately, I’ve been thinking that I’m closer to being a senior than my age and stamina would reveal...

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One morning last year, our cars were parked in the driveway, one behind the other.  Jackie and I were leaving for work at the same time that day.  We got in our respective vehicles, with mine being in the front and hers being in the rear. Both cars were warming up nicely, and I was groovin’ with the sound of the Oldies.  When the car was warmed up and the windshield was clear, I began to back up, still groovin’.  Fortunately, I was not going fast because I hit Jackie’s car and scared the wits out of both of us.  We laugh now, but it does not put one’s wife in a good mood when her husband hits her car with her in it, in their own driveway...

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This past holiday season, the adults in the school in which I work delivered donated foods to needy families in the vicinity.  My coworker and I set out with our food and had two deliveries to make.  Suddenly we realized we had forgotten our directions, so she went in to the building to retrieve them.  Upon her return, she realized that she had forgotten some Christmas goodies that we wanted to deliver to another coworker who could not be in school at that time.  I said I would go in this time and get the bag of goodies.  I went into the building and sometime between getting through the door and getting to the classroom, that bag of gifts became the directions again in my brain.   I looked and looked for around five minutes for them, then gave up and went back out to the car, telling my workmate that I couldn’t find the directions.  “You goober!” she exclaimed unkindly.  “You weren’t looking for the directions. You were looking for the gift bag!  I’ll go back in and get it.” I said, “Okay, I’ll drive you to the entrance.”  We proceeded to a student drop off area that had a sign that said ONE WAY.  I said, “OOH, I can’t go here, it’s one way!” and proceeded to drive around the parking lot.  My coworker said, “Yes you can go there, you goober, you’re going one way, but you’re going the right way!”  I shamefacedly parked in front of the door, feeling quite inept. She went in and got the bag, and we were finally on our way. We made the gift bag delivery, and proceeded to the first house, which was supposed to be near a library that we were both familiar with.  We drove around that whole town before we realized that the library had moved from where we remembered it being.  Finally, we found the library and the first house.  We entered a foyer at the top of a set of steps, and rang doorbells for unmarked doors and got no answer.  We went down the set of steps and looked at the directions again, and realized that the word BASEMENT  was part of the address.  What was supposed to take six minutes, according to the directions, took 45. Fortunately, though, the instructions said it would only take us three minutes to find the second house. It took us ten. We were indeed getting better at this. My coworker laughs too hard  every time she tries to tell the story... 

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Recently, Jackie and I became the proud owners of a car with a remote control set of keys.  Not only does it have buttons to unlock the doors, but there is also a button that will open the trunk!  Several times in the last few months, I have gone outside and started the car and a light came on telling me that the trunk was open.  Now I know that I didn’t open the trunk.  It could not ever be that I pushed the button by mistake when I took the key off the key rack...AND I WASN’T THE ONE WHO MADE THE CAR ALARM GO OFF FROM THE KEY RACK EITHER!  It was pretty embarrassing to hear a car alarm and say with a chuckle, “Some idiot must have set off his car alarm by mistake, laugh laugh!” only to realize that it was my car making the noise...
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A few weeks ago, I was entering the retirement facility where my mother lived, and boarded the elevator to go to the second floor.  Before too long I was reading the calendar of activities posted on the elevator wall.  Suddenly it was growing warmer and stuffier in there.  When would I be at my destination and begin to feel better?  Why did the door stay shut when the elevator stopped moving?  SOMEONE FORGOT TO PUSH THE BUTTON FOR THE SECOND FLOOR!  That elevator didn’t even get off the ground!

Later the same day, I had gone to the car and was returning to the elevator.   Once I was in, I again began to read the calendar beginning where I left off.  Suddenly I began to feel claustrophobic and hot in the elevator just like before.  Once again, the door of the elevator was shut and it wasn’t moving.  SOMEONE FORGOT TO PUSH THE BUTTON FOR THE SECOND FLOOR AGAIN!

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I’m one to constantly check my pockets to be sure my wallet, keys, comb, and cellphone are there when I need them.  Throughout my Mother’s illness, I became something I never wanted to be or even thought I’d be...a cellphone user!  I cannot even keep track of the number of times I was talking on my cellphone to my family members and did my usual pocket check, and went into panic mode thinking my cellphone was missing.  After a few moments of rechecking my pockets and circling the room looking for it, the mystery was solved.  IT WAS ATTACHED TO MY EAR!  Usually I laughed it off with whomever I was talking to at the time, but by about the third time, I began to worry.

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I remember the past few summers when my son Brian was performing at a theater that was too far away to drive him to and come back home. So I’d keep myself busy for the three hours of rehearsals. This was before my high fiber and low fat diet, so every night I'd get two hamburgers, small fries and small drink from McDonalds, and pay $4.01.  One night, for some reason, the total came to $3.48.  It was less than usual, so I didn't question it.  Then I got to my seat, looked at the receipt, and realized that the little bastard behind the counter charged me for a 'senior drink'.  What, you see someone with thinning white hair and you assume they are a senior.  I have a little more time left as a junior...the little no good bastard!

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 Today my daily routine began quite on schedule.  I took out the coffee and filters and began scooping and brewing.  I mixed the oatmeal with brown sugar, cinnamon, milk, blueberries, and a banana, and loaded and set the microwave.  Then, I played those couple of irresistible games of Word Scramble on Facebook. When I lost...um...got tired of Word Scramble I scurried my hungry little stomach over to the microwave and pulled out that beautiful mess, and then proceeded to pour my coffee.....but alas, there was no coffee. SOMEONE FORGOT TO PUT THE WATER IN THE COFFEE POT!

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My wife worries about me.  She’s said many times that she expects to find the car keys in the refrigerator any day now, just like on the commercial.  I figure that if I can remember the incidents, retell them, feel bad about them, and laugh about them, then I’m still okay.  As long as my senior moments don’t hurt me or anyone else (though some have come close) and result in a laugh (in most cases), then I can learn from them. Maybe it’s the result of an overloaded mind, or a mind that’s not loaded enough, but having senior moments means that I’m still kickin’ and ready for more!  Ah, those senior moments!

Savor on Sunday, I'm sluggish on Monday.....

We hadn't been out for dinner in a very long time, so we went to Applebees this past Sunday. I had provolone stuffed meatballs over a bed of fettuccine. It was delicious. Today, however, I found out via this article that it is one of the five worst foods you can eat out. No wonder I felt so fat on Monday.......

http://www.firstcoastnews.com/news/article/211590/10/Worst-Foods-Cheesecake-Factory-Burger-Tops-List

According to a NBC News and the Today Show, "Applebee's "Provolone Stuffed Meatballs with Fettuccine" adds up to 1,520 calories and 43 grams of saturated fat."

The City Joe and the Country Joe: N-E-W * Y-O-R-K

N        New Talent

We were in New York today  to give our son Brian a taste of the audition process for a  Broadway show.  He had found an open audition for Godspell on line and it would be a learning experience for him.   We decided to have a getaway and came up one day early.  At 11:30 last night, Brian went to sign a sign up sheet at the site of the auditions, and no one was waiting in line.   By the time we awoke at 7:00 this morning, there were hundreds of young talented people lined around the city blocks waiting for their chance at a role.  To make a long story short, Brian finally got through the front door to do his singing at around 4:00 in the afternoon.  The temperature was in the low 90’s and the sun was scorching.  It was quite a wait to sing 8 measures of an audition song, but he was happy.

E      Elevator

The elevator at the hotel had some symbols for keeping the door open or keeping it closed.  I am a man of words, not symbols.  If it had said ‘OPEN DOOR’ or ‘CLOSE DOOR’,  I wouldn’t have nearly injured that poor lady last night.

W          Without Really Trying

We were privileged to see ‘How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying’ with Daniel Radcliffe and John Larroquette.  It was a fabulous show.  Shortly after dinner  we decided to see if any theaters had tickets left.  We walked into the theater where ‘How to Succeed’ was playing and proceeded to the box office.  We looked at the seats and prices.  $52.00 per ticket would get us a nosebleed ticket in the upper mezzanine.  We decided to go for it.  I asked the attendant for those tickets and he said they have been sold out for months.  Then I asked about rush tickets and he said they are available in the morning and go fast, so there were none left.  “We do have some seats available for $132.00 each, Sir.”  We said “No thanks,” and began to turn around.  He yelled, “Wait a minute.  I have a coupon here that will give you a good discount on seats.  You’ll be in the sixth row center.  The total cost will be $97.00 per ticket.”  I was a happy customer!  The musical was magnificent and I could see and hear the whole thing perfectly!   I was ten feet away from  John Laroquette, who was a television favorite of mine on Night Court in the 1980’s, and Daniel Radcliffe, who astonished the crowd with his agility and his capability as a singer.

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Y          Yikes

The hotel we are staying in cost three times what we paid for a room in Indiana, Pennsylvania.  Granted, there are lots of people willing to hold the elevator door for you and check your room key for entrance into the hotel, and cater to your every need.  I guess I’m a Comfort Inn sort of guy, though, where there’s free Internet access, and a free continental breakfast.  Would I want to pay $10.00 for four hours of email and Facebook.  I think not!  I was sure it would have been included in the cost. We did find a place for breakfast that didn’t break the bank.  I’m frugal, uh… cheap, so it wasn’t quite as good a feeling as getting a free meal, but the meal was delicious.  The $288.00 per night room with $40.00 in fees and taxes did have its perks:  I got a free pen with the logo of the hotel on it.

O       Oops!

Brian left the hotel to go to the audition line, which began forming across the street from the hotel.  I left the hotel about a half hour later to find him.  I found him far back in the line, but not at the end.  He had found his place, and would remain there until 10:00, when the auditions would begin.  I took in the surroundings:  all the hotels, restaurants and theaters.  Then I noticed that we were standing in front of a Subway Sandwich Shop, and next to it was an adult book store.   This Christian Dad was with his Christian son in front of an adult book store!  I was relieved when Brian told me that he wanted to stand in line on his own and that his Mom and I could go do something.  Jackie wanted to check out the front of the audition line and I decided to explore a little.  I saw a DVD shop with bargain prices posted on the front windows.  I meandered my way to this one to see if they had any of my favorites because I love good movies and classic TV shows, but this too was an adult book, DVD, and other things store.   I’m so old.  I just turned around and went back to find Jackie and move on to the next activity.

R        Return to Normal (to the tune of the Green Acres theme…Weird Al Yankovic, thank you for the inspiration!)

Sub-urbia is the place to be,

Lawn mowing is life for me,

Dark back roads winding through the wood,

Horses and buggies and pastures that don’t smell  good.

New York is where I had to go,

Son tries out for a brand new show,

I can’t believe the mob I see,

Dumpsters and taxis and neon too bright for me.

A doe!

A Show!

Rose thorn!

Car horn!

Got to adjourn,

Can’t wait to return

To cows and fields of corn!

K       Keep things in perspective

This was my first visit to New York City, save a trip as a sixth grader to Ellis Island.  I’d been to the harbor to board cruise ships, but I’d never been to Times Square or Broadway before.  I am not a city person.  The mammoth buildings hid any open skyline and made me claustrophobic .  The crowds moved swiftly and in all directions, sort of like they do on the boardwalk.  The cars and taxis raced to beat each other through the traffic lights, and the sound of horns invaded the airwaves.   Would there be more to remember about this excursion than the expensive restaurants, hotels, and parking garages?  Would I ever recover from the audio and visual overload?  The answer is Yes!  To make the time pass more quickly while Brian was waiting in line for his audition, Jackie and I boarded the New York Subway and visited the site of the 2001 World Trade Center Tragedy.  It is now a construction site with plans for new businesses and a new Memorial Center.  I thought of that fateful day in 2001 where this city fell victim to evil, and then about loss of life and living in fear.   Then I thought of the crowds on every street and in every building and realized that this city has recovered from the worst possible situation.  Then I thought of the weekend in 2006 during which all ten ladies in my immediate family went on an adventure in New York City, including my wife and daughter; my nieces; Aunt Rose; my three sisters, including Janet, who we lost in 2009; and of course, my Mom, who left us just last week.  They all relished celebrating life that weekend because my Dad had passed away a few months before and Janet had successful surgery to treat her pancreatic cancer, and Mom was successfully battling lymphoma.  Suddenly, my perspective on this visit changed.  It became a celebration of life for me.   I was blessed to be there with my wife and son, and I would indeed return for a SHORT sight-seeing visit when time and circumstances permit.  I like New York.................