I Don't Like the Cemetery.........

It's been terribly remiss of me to shun visiting the graves of the family members I have lost.  I don't know if it's the feelings, fears, and frowns that come to the surface when I'm there.  It could be that I believe that loved ones that have passed are not in the cemetery in spirit, only in body; so I could study a photograph of any of them on my own time and in my own home and say a prayer and reminisce.  So why then am I putting a picture like this one in this piece?

It all started with a letter I received in the mail last week informing my family that my Mother's name and dates had been engraved on the headstone.  I felt the need to drive to Yeadon, about an hour away, to inspect the work.  I enlisted my Dad's sister and favorite nonagenerian, Aunt Rose, to brave the wind and cold and go with me.  She obliged and, after the drive and search of the parameters of the grounds, we found the grave and all was as it should have been.  The business of our visit was complete.

The irony of the whole thing is the coincidence of the placement of that grave.  Aunt Rose has retold the story to me again and I'll share it the best I can.  My paternal grandmother, Vincenza Bonanno, had passed away unexpectedly at a very young age just before Christmas, 1941.  My Dad, who was only 18 at the time, was still mourning her loss as he began hanging out with and courting my Mom.  A trip to the cemetery to visit the graves of lost loved ones in both their families revealed what is in this picture.  The headstone on the right with BONANNO engraved on the front of it is my father's family's memorial.  It was on that day in early 1942 that Mom and Dad realized that the graves of their families, both of which had been purchased decades before, were separated by only one memorial.  The headstone on the left with GIACCHINO engraved on it is my mother's family's memorial. 

So now, in 2011, I have been reminded of this small world story my parents shared so many times over the years with amazement and pride.  We have been at the site too much.  The maternal immediate family is memorialized on the left, and the paternal side, as well as Mom and Dad, are on the right. I'll probably not visit this place any time soon.  I prefer the warm feeling of seeing their faces in pictures and remembering the smiles through the years to being in Yeadon and seeing their names etched in stone.  That being said, I do love this small world story.  It is a metaphor for what the two families have meant to me and to each other through the years.  That will last forever........

ANOTHER PERSONAL TOP 10: YOU KNOW YOU ARE MATURING WHEN.......

10.  You are the proud owner of what you perceive to be one of your newer kitchen appliances, a bread machine, and you go to make a loaf of bread and you discover that one of the ingredients, powdered milk, has an expiration date of 1998 on the package.  You realize that a bread machine is not that newfangled.....

9.  You spend nearly half of that rare half hour of solitude in the house searching for your glasses so that you can enjoy that rare half hour of solitude in the house.....

8.  Your classroom story has the word stall in it, as in retail stall at a farmer's market.  When asked what types of things could be sold in stalls, one student answers, "Corn dogs!"  To satisfy your desire to be wise and a conversation starter, you inform the students that you have never had a corn dog.  The student gets wide eyed and exclaims, "You mean you're like 35 and you've never had a corn dog?!"  Another student yells, "He's not 35, he's in his 60's!"  You thank God for short attention spans and your ability to change the subject on demand.......

7.   Your spouse has threatened that if she ever finds the keys in the refrigerator, you're on the way to the home.  One night you are cleaning up after dinner and you suddenly lose the dishrag.  You search high and low for it but alas, it's nowhere to be found.  You surrender and get a clean one and finish the job at hand.  The next day you are thankfully the first one down in the morning and open the fridge to get the coffee out and there it is...your dishrag.  You quickly remove it and put it in the wash before you know who comes down......

6.  Your wife and son are singing in the choir at church and leave the house before you to arrive early to Mass.  You get yourself ready and dash to the car and the two minute ride to church seems like twenty.  You rush and get to your pew and sit and take off your coat and try to get comfortable.  You look down to make sure you've dotted all your i's and crossed all your t's when you got dressed and, lo and behold, your zipper isn't zipped!  You contemplate putting your coat back on to hide the evidence and go to the restroom to fix the problem, realize that it's a steep rickety old staircase that leads there, so you just pull it up right then and there....then look around to see if anyone was watching.  You sigh with relief when you realize that no one was nearby.  Another sign of maturity was not being phased by the whole thing.  Ten years ago the incident would have given you an anxiety attack.  This time it's back to business as usual.........

5.  You look at the picture hanging on the wall of your lovely daughter and begin remembering days gone by.  You flash back to her wonderful middle school days when you escorted her to the Father-Daughter dance at her school.  You are dancing a slow dance and you whisper in her ear, "People are gonna think I'm dancing with some young chick!"  She retorts instinctively, "People are gonna think I'm dancing with my grandfather!"...........

4.  You keep the hand lotion and the ceramic cooktop cleaner in the cabinet above the stove.  They are both white creams in tube like containers.  You reach for one of the tubes and squeeze a dab on your hand and go to put the tube away before you rub it in.  You gasp.  Your wife says alarmingly, "What's wrong?"  You remember the refrigerator incident you're trying to hide from her and you reply, "Nothing."  You quickly wash the cooktop cleaner off your hands while your wife is saying, "Didn't sound like nothing to me."  You confess that you accidentally put ceramic cooktop cleaner on your hands to help with the dryness.  The two of you share one of those laughing moments while you still conceal the dishrag in the refrigerator incident.  Aha!! Maybe the case of your dry chapped hands has finally been solved!..............

3.  Your kids are all drivers, save the last, who is poised to learn to drive, so you reflect on how many years you have been behind the wheel , and you think about the adults in your life, especially coworkers, and you realize that your driver's license is quite a bit older than most of them.........

2.   You return to the 1960's and smile:  A snowfall meant no school, walking to North Avenue Park with your sled and gliding down the steep slope with the foot high bump at the bottom that would send you and your sled sailing; building snowmen and snow forts for hours and coming inside with frozen hands and feet to some hot chocolate made by Mom; Going to the cul-de-sac where someone had piled all the plowed snow to form a frozen mountain in the center, and sliding down on your bottom for hours...............then you return to 2011: a snowfall means no school; driving on slippery roads; your children driving on slippery roads; shoveling; aching; fines for not shoveling; scraping windshields; freezing cold; panic attacks.........BAH!  Humbug!.............

1.  You embrace all of the above.  These are the moments that enable you to share a story or a laugh with someone you love.  You have lived and continue to live.  Surviving each moment, putting the little things in their place, tackling the big things, appreciating what you have, understanding what you don't, appreciating the highs and lows of the lives of those you interact with, showing compassion, listening, accepting differences.  You look at the approaching Christmas season as a gift and accept, though sometimes anxiously, the challenges of 2012:  the year you will remember those you have lost with a sentimental smile, the year you will continue to appreciate the fact that your children will continue to mature and share their journeys with you, the year that will see the first of the grandchildren, the year your baby will go off to college...... you'll be 55 and still alive!  You don't always find it easy, but you are glad that you have survived it to this point and that you can laugh at yourself a heck of a lot more than you ever could (You are hoping that it's not because there's so much more to laugh at)!!  You wish all you know a very fulfilling close to 2011 and may all the hard times of 2012 be trumped by little moments of laughter and love.

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Maybe you just smiled, said a kind word or two, maybe you called during that difficult time, or  shared my pride in the accomplishments....in whatever way you've touched my life, I thank you and wish you MERRY CHRISTMAS, HAPPY CHANUKAH,  AND HAPPY NEW YEAR................

CRANKY CURMUDGEON CONTEMPLATES CONQUERING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALISM!

No, it's not Ebenezer Scrooge......OR the Grinch.  It's just me. For some reason, this year more than ever, I'm having a hard time adjusting to what the media is doing to my holiday. This struggle to maintain the Christmas spirit on my own terms and wean myself from the politically correct version of the celebration is becoming a learning experience.  I've adapted my habits to accommodate my increasing disdain for commercialism and love for family and tradition.

The first thing I need to do is stay away from those radio stations that claim to be my 'Home For the Holidays'.  Don't get me wrong - I love Christmas music, and anyone who is related to me will attest to this with a roll of the eyes as I can get carried away with my decades of tunes conveniently on a playlist on my Ipod.  However, I don't begin playing those tunes on Halloween!  Those radio holiday music players are only on in my car for the twenty minutes I commute to and from work each day.  So how can I be sick of hearing Jimmy Durante singing Frosty the Snowman when there is still more time before Christmas gets here?  With all due respect, I choose not to own that recording because it's not one I would care to listen to without seeing the television special........ditto for Burl Ives's Holly Jolly Christmas......and Boris Karloff's You're a Mean One, Mr. Grinch.  ...and as much as I like the music of Michael Jackson, I don't want to hear his version of I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus every day either. These tunes seem to be playing every time I am in the car!  Nope, I play my carefully selected tunes from my own library and get filled with joy and poignance as I reminisce with old family favorites as well as my own Christmas tunes from the past and present.  I prepare for the upcoming celebration and remember all the joyous ones that preceded this one.

Another thing I also try to do is avoid watching commercial television, a very difficult task indeed.  No, my friends, every kiss does NOT begin with KAY!  I will not know any more if I KOHL'S than I know right now!  I will not be buying anyone a new car! No, I will not grow tired of the season just because networks decide to air ten commercials consecutively during each break.  I'll walk away and ignore all the noise, and I raised four kids...believe me I am an expert at tuning out the noise!  If I can't walk away I'll try the next best alternative at which I have become proficient.......dozing in my chair.    Those ads certainly can't depress me if I don't acknowledge them, now can they?!

Now, I’m not one to complain….wait a minute!   Yes, I am!.  In fact, I gave up complaining for Lent one year and it almost killed me.  I would precede every grumble with, “This is NOT a complaint, but…..” 

So, this is not a complaint, BUT, today is only December 13, 2011 and I heard this on one of the holiday stations:  “Here’s a preview of some of the great music you’ll hear as soon as Christmas is over,” and they proceeded to play snippets of three songs and repeated, “Yes, as soon as Christmas is over, we’ll return to the music you love.”  I do love the music, but………..

It’s making me so sad.  They’re saying that  the day after Christmas there will be no more Christmas ……oh, I’m sorry……..holiday music; there will already be Christmas….oh, I’m sorry…holiday trees piling up at the drop off site in my town; and some folks will have stopped lighting their houses, though the season runs for a couple more weeks.  I refuse to get depressed.

     You know the perennial favorite, White Christmas?  Well, here's what the world's done to it:

    

   The songs are playing,

   The stores look bright,

   The ads on TV bring change,

   The season of haste's in range

In print, on the screen, it's strange.

Cause it’s October the thirty-first

  And the powers that be do thirst.

They’re dreaming of a bland Christmas

Just like the ones that bring the dough

  Where Black Friday’s on Thursday

      It’s now retail-ers day

And fam’ly traditions start to go.

             Their hol-iday just gets stranger

             With every Symbol gone away

             Where the Wise Men, and Manger, and Child

             Get the non believers hot and riled.


 

Well, in a year of major change in my household and my family, I don't know what I'd do if I didn't have the memories, the faith, and the family.  If the season was all about putting retailers in the black and starting the so called public holiday in the summer and ending it on Christmas Day, I'd be seriously depressed.  So, I decorate with traditional Christmas fare.  There  IS a Nativity scene, a CHRISTMAS tree, a plethora of Christmas films and television episodes on DVD for commercial free viewing at my convenience. There is a family that, despite loss, begins to rejuvenate with my children's loves and an expected grandchild.  There is a Christmas Eve dinner where the prayers of the family are heard with soft guitar Christmas music playing on the IPod and Christmas lights and candles light the scene.  We were fortunate enough to have 22 family members at our home around our Thanksgiving table and all who are available will join us for Christmas dinner.  The Season will be celebrated beyond New Year's Day in this house.   

So, bring it on world, I'll not succumb to the politically correct way to celebrate.  I'll embrace my family and friends with varied customs and beliefs as they celebrate, and I'll say with love to all I know, as a man who has known many blessings, 

                           MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY NEW YEAR!  

The Bonanno Family CHRISTMAS TREE 2011



Our Nativity scene was a gift to my wife Jackie from a now deceased relative.  After a few years of displaying chipped pieces, I freshened them up with a little carving and a new coat of paint.