I Don't Like

I don't like the noise that comes into my space,
I don't like the sights that can bring down my face.
I don't like my hair or my nose that's too long,
I don't like to talk 'cause the words are all wrong.
I don't like the fries if they're soggy to hold,
I don't like them wilted, and salty and cold.
I don't like the time that's been taking a hike,
I don't like not trading the times I don't like.
I love these things I don't like when you're here,
 I'll gripe when the things I don't like reappear. 

The Goal of Stamina and the Defeat of Aphasia

The goal of stamina. It's an increase.  It's strengthening. It's endurance. It's practice. It's short, then it's longer. It's a goal. I've not heard the word stamina much. Now I hear it constantly. It's stamina.

Reading is the increase of time which one can endure. It's a triumph for the teacher to guide a small reader to look at a book without constantly flipping the pages, looking at other readers and sights around the classroom, and yawning or slouching. It's stamina. 

Working is the increase of time which one can endure. It's triumph for the one who returns to a job after an illness without tiring. Months, January through June, are gone. July began with two: hours a day, and days a week. October marched in and there were more...four! Endurance with the appropriate break and recharge. It's longer. It's a goal. It's a triumph. It's stamina. 

My esteemed colleagues teach the concept of stamina to the small readers. In turn, they have taught me what stamina is. The therapist, too, taught the concept of stamina, and I learned of the strengthening and endurance. I have reinforced the concept of stamina to a small struggling reader. I have had the first reading conferences. I am stronger. Its a longer period of time. It's a goal. It's a triumph. It's stamina.

The defeat of aphasia. It's a decrease. It a weakening. It's embarrassment. It's anxiety. It's patience. It's practice. It's restarting. It's not a goal. I rarely hear the word. It's aphasia.

A slip of the tongue. A trip to the altar to receive Communion. The brain says, "Amen." The mouth said, "Thank you." The brain says that this was 'The Papal Visit' this past September in Philadelphia. The mouth said the 'Paper Visit.' The brain knows that the Pope is the 'Pontiff.' The mouth said 'Plaintiff.'

A bigger slip of the tongue. I started back to work. The stamina was growing. The goal is for me to be at school for the children during small group time. This would be from 10:00 A.M. to 2:00 P.M. every day. It's a goal. An arrival time at 9:30 A.M. would enable me to be there for the students. I texted my coworkers to let them know that I would be there at 9:30 A.M. I can't text, and I never could, so I texted, "9:30." It's short. It's to the point. All but one of the coworkers knew what I was talking about. That coworker was not in on the quest for stamina. I began to tell another coworker about the reaction to the group text and how "9:30" was vague and not nice. The brain said "I sent a group text." The mouth said, "I sent a group sext." This is not a goal. It's embarrassing. It's not a triumph. It's aphasia.  

One day at a time. It's stamina. It's anxiety. It's patience. It's a goal. It's increasing. It's the return to normalcy. Aphasia is not a goal. It's decreasing. That's a goal. The slips are fewer. It's practice. 

Defeat Aphasia 

Increase Stamina

Onward and upward to fluent reading, multitasking, and independence. They are growing. They are  goals. I will triumph!

Dialogue: February, Other Women, Church, and Whereabouts

The first days of my hospital stay were the last days of January, and the next days were the beginning of February. Like a kid, I was asked time and again what day it was, and when my birthday was. The answer was, "F," then "Feb," and finally on second day of the new month, "February." February was my word. I was just like a little kid who repeated a new word over and over. Like a little kid when I was asked a question, any question, I answered my new word...February!

Somewhere out there on a unnamed phone is a horrible video from February 3th of me....just me....at a hospital, in a hospital bed, in a hospital gown, and with five days of whiskers on. I don't remember many moments in the first days of the recovery process. Now with technology at my fingertips, or rather, my daughter's fingertips, I can relive and be thankful for the progress that continues to grow.

This is the transcript from the audio portion of the video:

Daughter Karen: What's your name?

Me: (confidently)  Joseph Bonanno.

*************

Karen: What day is it?

Me: (momentary pause) It's February.......1. 2, 3, 12.....1, 2, 3, 4, 5.....

Wife Jackie: (during my counting) You're gonna go to 2000!

Me: (continuing to count) 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15!

Jackie: Yes! Very Good! (Smiles all around)

**********************

Karen: What is your wife's name?

Me: (short pause)  Car....Carrie....Connie.....Karen (short pause) Hold on. Febr...

Jackie: How many wives you got? (laughing around)

Me: Say it again.

Karen: Uh, Jackie!

Me: (smiling and uttering in a silly and endearing tone)  Jackie! My Jackie.

*******************************

Karen: Can you say your kids' names?

Me: Um...Karen!

        Benny...Bonnie...Ba...Karen...John!

        Bronnie...Bronnie....Bron...

Jackie: Brian.

Me: Brian!

        K...K...K...Fa...F...N..

Jackie: Kevin

Me: Say it again.

Jackie: Kevin.

Me: Kevin...That's him!

*****************************

Karen: Where do you live?

Me: Oh,  Really?  Ff...Ff  (silly faces and sounds)  ah...February!  (everybody laughs)

Karen: Really, you live in February?

Me: Pa...Par

Karen:  Par?

Me: Par...

Karen: Park?

Me: Parf...

Karen: Parkes?

Me: Parfs...

Jackie: Parkes...burg....Parkesburg.

Me: Park...es....It's that.

Karen: Okay.

**************************

Jackie: What's the name of your church?

Me: Oh, Leave me a alone! (everybody laughs)

******************************

Karen: We have one more. Where do you work?

Me: At Ch...f....no...at the school..........At the school.  (confidently)

Jackie:  Can you say the name of the school?

Me: No.

Jackie: It's Octorara.

Me: Febru...

Karen:  Why do you say February for everything? (laughing) Do you want to say your birthday.

Me: I tried.

Karen: When is your birthday?

Me: February.

Karen: Can you say 'My birthday is...'

Me: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5.

Karen:  (coaching) My birthday is...

Me: My........Mine is...

Karen: No, Cheater! (laughing)

Me: February...Feb.....

Karen: You said 'birthday' yesterday!

Me: Birthday!

Karen: There ya go! Say goodbye!

(I wave goodbye to the camera)

******************************

What a Stroke Looks Like

In the beginning days, this is what brain damage from my
stroke looked like.

The first days of my hospital stay were the last days of January, and the next days were the beginning of February. February was a terrible word to learn. I was asked hourly what the date was. I couldn't say or write 'February.' You can see that the first try writing the new month was way off - "froundo." When I tried to concentrate slowly in a later try, I began to hear some sounds, and "Febre" appeared. Another try most likely prompted the date "Feb 1, 2015." You can see that the F in the year was replaced by a 5, most likely prompted again.

There were some visitors at the hospital - my cousins Steve and Linda. I blurted, "Steve!" when they entered. It was clear and precise. I wrote "Stew" instead of Steve, and he helped me with his name. Linda's name was somewhere trapped in my brain. I have told about the letter L before, and Linda's name was a blank just like my sister's name, Lisa, and my coworker and friend's name, Lisanne. When I asked about Uncle George, my mother's brother, I couldn't say his name. I started writing "Geog e." When Steve and Linda left, I referred to Steve as 'Thomas.' Steve's mother used to call him Stephen Thomas when he was a little child, and I had to practice Steve's name to remember it again.
My friends and neighbors Ann and Ray visited at the hospital. I blurted, "Ann!" when they entered. It was clear and precise. Ray's name was somewhere trapped in my brain. I could write "Ray" clearly, and I could show him, but I couldn't say it. Look at the alphabet below. The L, Q, R and X were missing from the alphabet. They were inserted and circled. For some reason, I could write the R in Ray's name.

It was Super Bowl Sunday. I was in the hospital. Steve and Linda and I were talking about the game coming that night, and I wanted to discuss the problem with the deflated footballs. I couldn't say football and I couldn't write it either. I drew the football and wrote "Pasoto" on the first try, and with more concentration, "foobboot."

This was my first post-stroke post on Facebook on my little Netbook computer. I wanted to write a paragraph, and I tried to tell you all about the MRI and the tests, and all the prayers from you, and the details from my first days, and more. In the end, all that I could muster was a solitary word, "Progress!" I knew the letters "Pro," and I Googled the word and the words "Thank you."

Joe Bonanno

February 1 · Edited · 

Progress. Thank you. heart emoticon 

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Back to Work Again!

I said it before and I'll say it again: Family, the therapist, doctors, nurses, coworkers, friends, church friends, acquaintances, and all mean the world to me. I am blessed. I am lucky...

It's six and a half months since the stroke. It's been too long. I have stories I want to remember and share, and I will. Sometimes I feel like I am perfectly fine. Sometimes I need a rest. The amount of minutes of strength grows every day. 

 Thankfully, I did everything I was supposed to do (most of the time!). They said that I needed to practice all my strategies, exercise, eat good food, and rest. I needed to go forward.  I needed to use my stashed pennies to sustain me during the bad times. I needed to drive again.

...And I wanted to go back to work.  

I practiced...

I was walked (with care)...

I saved some pennies for a rainy day (and it was raining)...

I ate good food...

I rested...

I drove again (save the highways)...

Now I'm ready to work again. It's official...I'm back. Slowly and surely!

Like Starting All Over Again

Morning, afternoon, evening
New challenges, new light, new drive
That deep breath, like starting all over again
The calming count from one to ten
The simple things are not taken for granted
Like a June morning
It's a new day

By myself
The first cup of coffee of the day
No passersby, not yet
No sign of the second day of the heat wave, not yet
The creatures are still and happy
Each weed has disappeared and there is room
The new blooms are almost in season
The soothing dawn breeze
That deep breath, like starting all over again
The calming count from one to ten
Like a June morning
It's a new day

Morning, afternoon, evening
Like the first cup of coffee
Like the still creature
Like the breeze
Like the calm
Like the morning
It has to pass
The day's obstacles are not like the morning bliss
or like starting all over again
So, time let me breathe more deeply
Counting from one to ten
So the simple things are not taken for granted
Like a June morning
It'll be a new day

Bucket List

It's been four months since the stroke. I have wanted to see the third grade classroom, the kids, the teacher, and me together. You see, we were all there when the scariest moment we've ever experienced happened. The day for me was not scary after I was out of the school, but my semiconscious state left me feeling mortified in front of the children and a new teacher.

I wanted my wish. It wasn't planned. I was there at the school for different reasons, but I wanted to go back to see them before the summer break.

This word aphasia and this 'word retrieval' thing suck. I am slow. I have progressed, and sometimes I can't believe that I have a massive stroke in my medical records, but the speed rate of growth is diminished as the time goes. I want it to be faster. I want it to be all better. I have to wait it out. Maybe I won't be as I was and maybe I won't be able to do my job any more. 

The kids didn't care that day. Slow speech, careful word choices...genuine smiles all around. A pile of students' bucket lists for summer was ready to be sent home to me. I was so happy to receive them in person. I read them as soon as I could. My favorites were the outside activities at the beach and home. I am pleased that they want to have reading goals. I love that they play board games. It is good to see that they want to spend time with their families and friends.

Of course, a lot of them want to play video games, several of them want to prank their brothers, and one little soul wants to date!

I have still not made a bucket list. I don't prank my siblings, or date any more. I think I need to just do....yes, just do, and fill the bucket list with things I have done and check them off!

Is a bucket list item the same as a wish that comes true? Then I can cross off the day I saw the classroom, the kids, the teacher, and me together. Well, what do you know! I have a bucket list!!

70 Days of Baby Steps

70 days: feels like a couple, or a couple of years.

The single words have grown into a bumpy sentence. 

Baby steps...

In the beginning, I knew places.

Oops...stroke!

I knew where I was, but I couldn't tell you. They asked me where I was. 

I would point to the name of the hospital on the dry erase board on the wall. 

On those days, pointing was sufficient. 

Now I can say where I am most times, and I can pull that locale out of my brain. 

Baby steps...

In the beginning, there was Jackie and me. 

Then there were the vows: love and marriage, to have and to hold, for better or worse, and of course, sickness and health. 

Jackie's knee replacement problems have become troublesome, and I was her caretaker. 

I thought I was a vow guru. 

Oops...stroke! 

She was the new vow guru after those troubles.

Jackie has been getting stronger as a result of the staff of professionals who care for her. 

I have stayed at my sister's home, and family and friends made me into a passenger, and therapy and visits were possible. 

Now I can stay at my home in short increments. 

Sickness and more sickness...and health! 

We'll be back! 

Baby steps...

In the beginning, a paid photo license card was at my home. 

I had just days to get my picture taken. 

Oops...stroke! 

There was no license yet. 

A faulty brain brought fear of losing independence and then slowly getting it back.

A neurologist said there will be short trips, little traffic, and no highways. 

 Friends and family! 

One friend drove me to the Department of Transportation, and I have a license! 

I have driven two times, once with my son, and the second with my friend! 

I will drive!

Baby steps...

In the beginning, I was articulating, fluently reading, word loving, and teaching letter sounds. 

Oops...stroke! 

Soon it was Opposite Day. 

Preposterous pronouns.

The girls were the boys, and the boys were the girls. 

He was she, and she was he.

Actresses and actors, wives and husbands.

Vertable vowels.

It was a busy day for talking about my chicks and my chickbook. 

NO! Not about girls and a little black book!

 YES! My checks and my checkbook. 

It was a glorious day for sitting on the front porch with sun and warmth, and not the dick in the back where it was cold and shady.

NO! Not vulgarity or shady talk!

YES! The warm porch, not the cold deck, was perfect for lounging!

Slowly the sounds come trickling in as each faux pas is replaced.

Baby steps...

In the beginning, I knew names.

Oops...stroke!

Your names escaped me. 

I knew who you were, but I couldn't say your names. 

On the second day, my favorite possession became a pencil and paper. 

I knew where you lived. I knew where you worked. I knew who was in your home. Family and friends: A name is a precious thing, and I wanted your names back. 

I saw in my brain a neighborhood, and a map was there. Your homes were there and your names were there and I wrote! 

I saw a school building, and a map was there. I saw your classrooms and offices. Your names were there and I wrote! 

I saw my relatives, families together in a home. Your names belonged together and I wrote! 

Names, present and past, are back. You're back! 

Baby steps...

70 days: they came and went. 

There is more to do to get back the good.

There is more to do to dispense the bad.

Baby steps...

To My Kids

     Hi kids! I have missed you. I have made a connection between you and me!

     Do your teachers and parents want to tell you to get your homework done?  I have to do my homework, too.  I got sick and I could not read or talk.  I started all over again. It began with the alphabet. I started with words with one syllable.  I had to sound them out in my brain, then say them aloud. Then I began to read two-syllable words. I had to think of the first syllable in my brain, and then the second part.  When I finally thought of the whole word...I could say it. Then I had to read lists of small words. I hope soon that I can read the list faster and faster. It takes a lot of practice. This week I have begun reading three and four syllable words. I use the strategy I learned with the small words whenever I figure out the large words, and soon I will read lists of longer words.

     Do you remember when I flashed word, phrase, and sentence cards to you? Do you know how you figure out an unknown word? Do you read the words around your word to see the meaning of the sentence? Do you figure out your word after finding a picture on your page? Do you have to go back to the beginning of a sentence to repeat? Most times I can understand the sentence when I correct a word and the meaning is clear.  Do you practice these strategies? Do you remember when we figured out things together? I do, and you are helping me as I reconnect the letters, sounds, words, phrases, sentences, paragraphs, pages, chapters, and books!

     Do you have to eat good foods?  Do you have to rest? Do you have to listen to your teacher, your family members, and your doctors? So do I! I have to shut off my brain for a short time so I can resume my chores. Like you, I do my homework, reading, and practice. Like you, I eat fruit and vegetables, protein, and a lot of other good foods. Sometimes I like to eat a treat every day. I like cookies. I was the original Cookie Monster even before there was a Cookie Monster! Now I have to limit the cookies. I can eat a serving of two or three cookies in one day. Now that I eat less cookies, I appreciate them so much more!

     Do you enjoy your art, health and physical education, music, library, and computer classes? When I became sick, I began to use all the tools that your teachers use to help you learn. First, your art teacher helps you to draw. I could not read, but I drew pictures when I had to communicate. Second, your health and physical education teachers help train your brain and body.  I can walk without a cane or walker, and I can't wait until I can walk outside. I have a balanced diet. I can rest so that my brain can get stronger and it gets better every day. Third, your music teacher helps you with rhythm as you sing. I now have to learn the beat of reading so I can be a strong, fluent reader. Next, your librarian and your reading teachers help you select a book just for you. I have to select just-right books for me too. It is changing all the time, and my just-right books are getting challenging. You have to practice reading every day and now I do too. Lastly, your computer teacher helps you organize instructions and teaches you to search information. I can download free word games that help me build words quickly. I can read the news, email, and find stuff to learn now. I can find and read tongue twisters again and again. I will now say them faster and faster as the pronunciation improves.

     Do your parents and school adults help guide when you have be safe?  I have to be safe too. I have to be with someone if I am home. I can be home alone for short times, but I have to sit in the chair. A couple of days ago, my daughter stayed with me. She let me stay home when she went on an errand. When she was walking out, and I stood at the door, she said, "STAY IN THE CHAIR 'TILL I GET BACK" Have you ever listened to your heroes when they talk? Me too! I'm thankful to have folks to help me and keep me safe when I am sick. I hope you will help someone someday soon!

     I hope to see you again soon. Keep learning! I love my students...

     ~    Mr. B.

      

Painting Every Stroke To The Letter

Hello, friends! I had a stroke. I am here, and the stroke is gone. The A-B-C's are a challenge, so I listed the alphabet. Then, I thought of some factoids. It was hard.  I meshed the factoids and the alphabet, and there is now a piece of writing. Before the stroke, I could write a blog in minutes or a couple hours. Now it can be a week. Slowly it is coming back. It is disjointed, but I am thrilled to be back...

A    The ANGELS who tended to me saved me in the first hours.  The long-term substitute helped with safety, kindness, and prompt response.  The school nurse and the school counselor assisted with the urgency and care. The superintendent who drove my wife and the elementary principal who followed her car to the hospital were the saviors and guides. 

****************************************************************************

B    The BIRTHDAY seasons  are not very nice. February 5th was last year's gift of ice and snow and cold and power outages and school closings.  It did not make my birthday festive. I thought this year would be the gift of my life....a stroke of genius....NOT!!  JUST a stroke.....

           ****************************************************************************

C CARDS, prayers, notes, posts, intentions, and thoughts got me through this month.  I chose a card that made me laugh...a fictional card...a VERY exaggerating and HUMOROUS card.  Laughter is the best medicine! 

             *************************************

D The DATE was January 30th, 1999.  'Mom' was my mother-in-law, Mary, and she suffered a stroke on that date.  Invalided, paralyzed, and weak, she passed away nine years later minus a day.  Fast forward January 30th, 2015.  I suffered a stroke on this date in this year.  Mom, who I had called 'Mother-in-law', guided the miracles on that day, and stood with my Mom, Dad, and sister Janet, and the others.  It was a day of clockwork and progress.

              *************************************

E  I was EATING my first hospital meal on my first overnight visit...and the second, the third, the fourth, and the fifth.  It was like an all-inclusive hotel.

               ***********************************************************************

F  The FULL CIRCLE of  people, yes everyone, was a force. Meals, snow removal, healthy snacks, puzzles, rides, borrowed children's books, prayers, visits, phone calls, and all...I am blessed.

                ***********************************************************************

G GRADE three children had a 'drill'.  Not a fire drill or a weather drill, but a real emergency.  The teacher was with me, and she could not get to the phone.  A child ran to get help.  The class was quiet, scared, and behaved.  They were growing up...

                ***********************************************************************

H The first HELICOPTER ride was an adventure.  I did not want to ride a roller coaster.  I did not want to ride in a  car.  Now I saw the sky in my helicopter's bed.  I could have bought a little helicopter for that price.  A first.....

                 ***********************************************************************

I  I was perfectly healthy and the Friday dance was in my brain and no one saw.  It was perfectly...then in a second, I was a victim of stroke.  A first!

                 ***********************************************************************

J JEFFERSON Hospital was the place to monitor my body and brain.  My wife was directed to Lancaster Hospital, but the ambulance directed me to Brandywine Hospital.  In the end, I was airlifted to Jefferson Hospital.  I have not talked of three hospitals in the same paragraph.  A first!

                 ***********************************************************************

K I KNOW that I do not understand 'apraxia' and 'aphasia' .  I know that my brain says there is some damage.  This is why language and different words don't come out and words don't make sense.  It is getting better every day.

                 ***********************************************************************

L The LETTER 'L' was the most difficult to understanding.  My sister Lisa, my coworker Lisanne, three friends with the surname Lynch...the letter L was dropped from the alphabet. 

           **********************************************

M A MEMORY is something I cherish. My memory was broken.  Names and words escaped.  My wife's name disappeared, and she was 'my girl'.  I remembered my youngest children, Karen and Brian, and my niece Cara right away.  In time I called my wife Jacqueline, and finally Jackie.  It took days to recall the other children and grandchildren and sisters.  I could write names but could not say them.

                    *********************************************************************** 

N The NURSES are the geniuses, the caretakers, and the time givers. They are the NURSES! They are my professionals, my friends, and my rock.

                    ***********************************************************************

O ODOR was the word of the day...and the second, the third, the fourth, and the fifth. Five days, no shower or bath. I was finally home.  I came into the door and marched upstairs and killed the whiskers and odor.   

          ***********************************************************************
P PHYSICAL therapy was the only session of that kind.  I was strong and determined.  I was walking and climbing steps, and I was balanced.   

                    ***********************************************************************

Q QUIET, no noise, focus...There is no pain.  There is no adverse reaction to light.  The noise, the confusion, and the television ads and programs hurt.  Music and dialogue together hurts my brain.  The focus is serene.

                      ***********************************************************************

R READING Logs came to me.  My therapist helps with reading, writing, speech, communication, and more.  I have to read ten minutes a day and my coworkers want to help supply the books and a reading log.  A coworker penned a kid's book and I have my own copy.  On February 7th, I read the cover and the first page in 15 minutes.  On February 19th, I read the whole book in 17 minutes.  Fluency is going to be a challenge, but I am reading....slowly but surely!

                  ***********************************************************************

S The STROKE was bad.  A CT Scan, a TPA drug, and speed were necessary.  No previous strokes. and three and half hours passed...I was recovering. 

                  ***********************************************************************

T All the TUBES were there.  The IVs were there, a TEE study was there.  The procedure was fast.  The tube was in my throat.  The heart was clear.  I don't like tubes.   

                 ***********************************************************************

U URINE...Please forgive me.  A first!  I was lying in a bed for two days.  I was using a bathroom for years and years, but the shame went out the window. I'll just say this...when the MRI procedure was done, I begged and pleaded and finally was allowed to use the palace.    

         *************************
V It takes a VILLAGE  to raise a child. I know that. My colleagues are the backbone of our village, our child is the subject.  Now, I am the subject.  My village is a mammoth backbone of persons:  my important persons, and their friends, and more of theirs. It is my personal village.  You are my mine.....
                   ***********************************************************************

W WRITING was nil in the first weeks. I have slowly but surely begun to develop some skills. It is hard. It is slow. It is sad.  It will be better.

         ***********************************************************************

X X-RAYS...No.  MRI...Yes.  An hour.  I was in the machine that wasn't moving.  I had earphones that muffled the noise.  There was no trouble with the brain. 

                    ***********************************************************************

Y YOU were scared.  I was scared too.  You were comforting.  I was comforted.   You were generous.  I was needy.  You are loved.  I am blessed.

          ***********************************************************************

Z ZZZZZZZZZZ!  "Tired and weary," I say. They say, "Rest." Good night all...