Blindsided

I think I understand death.

It's that thing that can happen to anyone at anytime and is not discriminate of age, state of health, race, creed, color, good person, bad person, or any other variable.

It takes my idols and heroes.  When it does, I pay homage by listening to or watching their work.  I take comfort in the legacy they have left behind.

It takes my friends' relatives and friends.  It takes my acquaintances.  It takes my friends. It takes my family members.  Eventually, it will take me.

I take each occurrence to heart.  I don't fear dying.  I fear suffering. I fear others dying.  I fear for the survivors.

With each death that touches my life, I process the change that person's passing has had on me and those he or she has left behind.  I feel sad.  In some cases, I cannot fathom the impact.  Of course, when my grandparents, parents, in-laws, and big sister passed away, the process was unbearable for quite some time.  When the life celebrations ended and it was time to keep going, I began the healing process on the outside first.  It wasn't difficult to smile in spite of the grief gnawing my inner psyche.  Gradually, the routine and responsibility of being alive began to take over and I could spend hours doing things that would engulf my mind and take my grief from the forefront. Feelings of longing would come and go often, then less often, and finally, would usually come to the surface during a reminder:  on a birthday or anniversary, during a song or scene in a movie, in conversations...those times are wistful, but the gift of time has brought acceptance of, but a dislike for death.

It is during the early times after a passing, though, that I feel the most blindsided.  I can't think of whimsy, or funny, or light without instantly feeling that my system has been jolted by death.  Some deaths are anticipated. There is sickness and decline.  I have seen the sickness, seen the dying, grieved intermittently, and have begun living again...albeit with a slightly heavier heart.  Other deaths are sudden.  It is the instantaneous shock of getting news of a sudden death that has stunned me this week...

Jack passed away suddenly last Sunday.  He was my neighbor.  He was quite a guy...a class act.  He was just 55 years old.  Though he was kept away from us, his neighbors, with work and family activities, he was a 25-year constant in a community where family status changes, job transfers, and even death changed the neighborhood dramatically.

My favorite Jack memory happened many years ago when my very young son, who had a disability, wanted to play soccer.  We obliged him, signed him up, and took him to practices.  I had a very difficult time encouraging him because I didn't know the game of soccer, and selfishly felt that the disability would keep him from listening to what he was being told by the coaches, and from having fun.  My son would run without purpose on the field regardless of where the ball was. As a soccer Dad, I was helpless and clueless when it came to helping my own son.  I remember sharing my fears with Jack, whose daughter also played on the team.   Jack knew soccer and wanted my boy to have fun too.  Before I knew it, Jack put his arm around him, and talked to him while pointing to the ball.  The next time the team was on the field, my son ran and smiled, and followed the ball.  I remember Jack coming over to us saying, "He's doing it, man...he's doing it!"  He repeated that phrase countless times that season.  My son had fun...

I didn't see Jack often, but when I did, I could count on a smile, a handshake, a pat on the back, and a buddy hug whether our chance meeting was at Walmart, a school event, or right in the neighborhood.  He made everyone he knew feel like they were an important part of his life.  Like me, he had a wife, four children, and a grandchild, and I believe we genuinely cared when we asked about the well being of our respective families.  I believe that he wasn't finished being a husband, father, and grandfather.  I believe that heaven must have been hard up for a great guy, and that heaven is the only thing that could call him from his family.

I believe that we:  the soccer, school, church, and neighborhood connections Jack has made in the last 25 years, are moving a little slower as we process and remember.   I know that a community was fortunate if Jack was its member.  I know that communities have been brought together in this time of shock to promise to move forward with nonstop prayers for peace for Jack, and for strength for those he left behind.

Yes, death is that thing that can happen to anyone at anytime and is not discriminate of age, state of health, race, creed, color, good person, bad person, or any other variable.

I don't think I understand death at all.

On My 57th Birthday...57 Thoughts for the Day

1.  I was born in 1957 and today I am 57.

2.  My recent purchase of a half gallon of orange juice has confirmed that 59 ounces is the new half gallon.

3. I am paying an exorbitant amount of money to a well-known carrier for a cable service offering hundreds and hundreds of channels and I am only interested in three.

4. I am paying an exorbitant amount of  money to a well known carrier for cell phone service and I have the simplest flip phone and can't text to save my life.

5. The stern-voiced lady inside my GPS says o-range for the word orange and reads the sign saying Plymouth Mtg. as  Plymouth Mortgage instead of Plymouth Meeting.

6. If I liked my dentist on Facebook I could win an IPad.  I did.  I didn't.  So I unliked my dentist on Facebook.

7. This year, brewing a pot of coffee will be deemed illegal and replaced by single brew K-Cups, much like incandescent light bulbs have been replaced by those coiled up things that you can't throw away when they burn out.

8. Green smoothie is the word of the year thanks to you-know-who and her new Ninja.
 9.  Kale comes in a close second. Explaining the use of kale to the young cashier who graciously treated me like I knew what I was talking about.....priceless!

10. Upon trying on frames for my new eyeglass prescription, the optical genius at BJ's told me that a particular frame looked great with my hair color and brought out the blue in my eyes...SOLD!  My new prescription lenses are encased in that frame!

11. Mom was obsessed with Josh Groban.  She would put his CD's on and wonder why I was less than enthused.  This year I finally got the desire to listen to the Christmas CD she left behind. I wish I could visit her so we could listen to it together......

12. When I was a kid, Mom was obsessed with Engelbert Humperdinck.  We heard Engelbert, Engelbert, and more Engelbert, so a few years ago I found a 45 song collection and bought it for her. When I excitedly told her on the phone of my find, she replied, "Oh that's okay, I usually listen to Josh now!"

13. My favorite method of getting Mom annoyed with me was to tell her that if Josh Groban and I were drowning in a lake and she could only save only one of us, Josh would survive...I miss her today.

14. Ironic karma #1:  Being in the city of Philadelphia causes me to be incredibly anxious, and now 75% of my children live there....Guess I'd better get over it!.

15. Ironic karma #2:  My least favorite genre of music is opera.  Now my youngest son is studying vocal performance with opera as his primary focus....Guess I'd better get used to it!

16. Noise reducing headphones are the answer when the question is What do I do when The Bachelor, Dance Moms, Survivor, Millionaire Matchmaker, and the like are on and I'm too awake to succumb to the wrath of my recliner?

17.  I AM my father!

18 . I am happy that I have been told that success will be the hallmark of curricula in our schools throughout the state with quality and appropriateness of work being the focus  rather than quantity.   
19.  I am sad that I will negate it all by administering statewide standardized testing.

20. As a Dad, my mind, my heart, and my door are open.  I have no choice.   It's the most difficult thing to adjust to, but they are adults, and their lives are no longer mine to guide.  No matter what, I'm glad they still find their way home...

21. Thanks to the green smoothie mentioned in #8 above, one doughnut at snack time is usually satisfactory.

22. Snow is a lot like chewing gum.  It pleases the senses with the first taste, quickly loses its appeal, and before I know it, I want it gone!

23. Thanks to Facebook, I have more friends from high school now than I did when I went there!

24. Happiness is remembering my 40th birthday...because I still can!

25. Out of touch:  Modern Family and Breaking Bad are the nation's best television shows, according to any award-giving organization.  I have tried to watch both, and quit after a couple of episodes.  Just an opinion...

26. I have been watching Kitchen Nightmares with you-know-who. I think if they bleeped everything but the profanity, the number of words we hear wouldn't change.

27.  I am an hourly employee.  If I don't work, I don't get paid.  If there are any more days off or delays, it will be more economical for me to retire.

28.  The way to a man's heart...?  Two years ago, the electric cookie press we've had for decades broke.  I replaced it with a cheap one that broke the first time I used it. This year I got a manual press designed by none other than Martha Stewart. It was so easy to use and the cookies were perfect.  Ex-prisoner and hardened criminal...maybe...but I think I love her! 

29.  Whoever said that 50 is the new 30 never owned a corner property with sidewalks to shovel in the dead of winter...and probably wasn't even 50 yet!  There, I said it!

30.  I still don't have a Twitter account.  Tweeting is for the birds!
31.  # Hashtag?  It's a sharp symbol.  It's a tic-tac-toe graphic organizer. It's a number sign.  Now they want it to be a Twitter identification aid.  It sounds more like a race to see who can be the first to find the corned beef.
32.  Fifty years ago this week, The Beatles made their first appearance on The Ed Sullivan Show.  I had just turned 7, and there hasn't been a week since that I haven't heard or played a Beatles tune.
33.  On February 4th, 1983, the day before my 26th birthday, the angel-voiced singer Karen Carpenter passed away leaving the world and me shocked.  
34.  Every year since I've been on Facebook, I've changed my profile picture to Ebenezer Scrooge upon seeing the first significant snowflake.  Last winter it was January 28th, and this winter it was December 9th.....Bah, Humbug!
35.  Heaven help Justin Bieber and Miley Cyrus.  They have been making headlines for reasons other than their talent for all our children to watch and emulate, and they are barely scratching the surface of adulthood themselves...In this Dad's eyes, they are still kids in need of some parenting...enough said.
36.  More bad weather is here. It's possible that six days have been added to the end of the school year. They should be productive days, don't you think?  
37.  Whoever coined the term polar vortex can kiss my grits!
38.  You know you've assessed the students too much when you begin your recitation of the instructions and a sassy little learner begins reciting them with you!
39.  For a quarter century, the Christmas decorations have been stored in the crawl space in the basement.  Every year I've wished I didn't have to maneuver my way into that hole in the wall to take them out and put them away.  This year I've found a solution to the aches and pains.  I've left them in a different part of the basement...that is all...
40.  My annual physical examination this year revealed my blood pressure to be at its lowest in my entire adult life....could it be......empty nest syndrome?
41.  With every instance of bad weather, I can't sit still until I know that my four children have safely arrived at their respective homes.  My friends and family agree that we never stop worrying.....
42.  It's been quite a while since you-know-who talked me into trying a massage chair.  I still can feel it squeezing me like it was that man eating plant in Little Shop of Horrors.  Never again, thank you very much!
43.  Sometimes the phrase Get over yourself is not appropriate.  Just sayin'...
44.  Every day I check the Entertainment headlines at IMDB.com.  A little below the news is a set of photos with the five most trending celebrity birthdays of the day.  I'm lucky if I know who one of the five is.

45.  There's nothing like a grandchild!
46.  My current fear is needing one of those medications advertised on television with the list of disclaimers so long that by the end of the ad, I've forgotten what the medication was for in the first place.

47.  Choice A:  I am becoming more and more technical as I get older.  
Choice B:  I created a photo with falling snowflakes not knowing how the heck I did it.  One of these statements is true, the other is false.  You decide which is which!
48.  A friend posted to her Facebook account:  "Look on the bright side...with all this shoveling, we will be mighty buff come springtime."  My reply: "Oh really? I've been shoveling all winter.  Have you seen me lately? Huff and puff by springtime, but not buff!"
Humbug! Can you hear me?  HUMBUG!

49.  If snow was as beautiful and less troublesome on the roads and sidewalks as it was on the trees, I'd say, "Bring it on!"
50. Our small town pharmacy became a pharmacy chain when Mom and Pop decided to retire. It's still a clean, friendly place to be with some familiar friends working there, though there is a corporate feel to their methodically stocked shelves. I miss speaking to an individual when I am doing phone business with them.  Not to mention...Christmas will never feel as homey as it did in years past, and finding that perfect birthday card or gift in a pinch is bygone.  
51.  My coworkers know that I am overdue for a colonoscopy and very nervous about it. A workmate decided to bring the snacks leftover from the previous weekend's Super Bowl watching into work.  She handed me this bag saying it was for me.  Inside was some chocolate dipping sauce for soft pretzels.  That woman is not very thoughtful.

52.  The imminent colonoscopy prep has me wondering if the gook they'll give me to drink will have the same effect as the green smoothie/coffee/oatmeal combination of the other day.  I hope not.
53.  Miranda Sings is an Youtube phenomenon with young audiences. She is actually a gifted songstress who transforms herself into a geeky entertainer.  Our son Brian asked if we could go to see her in Philadelphia as his birthday gift.  We did, and, as expected, You-know-who and I were the oldest persons in the venue.  Brian got to meet Miranda and had a happy birthday!

54.  Look out for those around you.  You never know when you will give someone exactly what he needs.  A smile, a hello and 'How are You?', a hand with the shoveling...A simple gesture goes a long way and makes a difference for both of you!  
55.  It was a 57th birthday crippled by an ice storm, downed trees, and no power.  
A battery operated clock going TICK! TICK! TICK! 
No television, music, or appliance noises to drown its sound.  TICK! TICK! TICK! 
Two naps to pass some time.  TICK! TICK! TICK! 
An afternoon game of Scrabble and an evening game of UNO by candlelight..."Is that a green or a blue card?"  TICK! TICK! TICK!
You-know-who with her sweater and an afghan covering her from head to toe, and me with a tee shirt, a sweatshirt, a sweater, an outdoor coat, a woolen hat, gloves, and a blanket in front of the fireplace. TICK! TICK! TICK!
No coffee in the morning. Peanut butter and jelly with a side of baked potatoes wrapped in foil and cooked in the fireplace and eaten by candlelight.  TICK! TICK! TICK! 
A drive around town with every business, including Walmart, closed.  The convenience store was opened with no power...and no coffee.  Dunkin Donuts was selling donuts...but no coffee.  The pharmacy, the pizza shops, it was like a ghost town.  Traffic lights were dark.  I wanted to go home to the TICK! TICK! TICK! 
The battery backup  on our phone service beginning to lose steam with the sound of beep, beep, beep, beep every thirty seconds.   Beep, beep, beep, beep.  TICK! TICK! TICK!
A Walmart carrot cake purchased before the storm with a single candle and You-know-who singing Happy Birthday to me.  We giggled and I joined her in song...and then...
TICK! TICK! TICK!
And the piece de resistance of the day...You-know-who telling me that she wasn't saying too much because she didn't want to end up in a blog!  TICK! TICK! TICK!
An early bedtime and a birthday miracle.  Power and heat through the night and no more TICK! TICK! TICK! 
56.  A birthday prayer that the time between 57 and 58 proves that the only thing that beats 30 years of marriage is 31.
57.   It won't slow down for me.  It's time to change the photo collage at the head of this blog to the 2013 mix, to preserve the 2012 photos right here, and to begin creating another year of memories....