Pregnant

Summer 1986 - Joe, Jackie, Kevin and PREGNANT!!

I am the proud father of four.  Four children...four pregnancies...years of experience and wisdom.  At this point, it would be criminal of me not to share my most prized pearls with future dads:

First,  do not worry about the birthing experience being as nauseating as the ones in the videos you are shown in your childbirth classes.  To view the birth of one's child at a proximity that close would just be weird.  I remember the anxiety I felt, thinking that one hundred percent of my visual perception at the birth would be the birthing area and the baby coming out only...not true!  The room, the medical staff, the machines and monitors...they're all there and visible and the actual birth will be your focus, but  much smaller and NOT everything you see.  The technology that enabled the making of the childbirth videos...it's just wrong!

Second, when it gets to be a later time in the pregnancy, the lovely mom-to-be's comfort in the bed begins to diminish as she gets hotter and more showy. She'll be tossing and turning and will undoubtedly work her way over to your eighth of the bed at some point during the night.  You just suck it in and nestle...for in just a short time there may be a kid between the two of you and you'll wish for your eighth and her seven eighths of the bed back.

Next, let's say hypothetically that you are in charge of getting a meal together for your family, and your beautiful wife is in her first trimester of her second pregnancy.  She is prone to feeling sick with this one.  You decide to make a meatloaf.  The recipe calls for breadcrumbs or oatmeal and there are none to be found in your kitchen pantry.  You frantically look for a substitute because you don't really feel like packing kid #1 up to go to the grocery store to get the missing item.  You beam with excitement when you find a box of Golden Grahams and immediately substitute the breadcrumbs with them.  Upon serving the masterpiece of a meatloaf and watching your partner take the first bite and make a face reminiscent of Lucy tasting Vitameatavegamin for the first time, you learn that you NEVER put Golden Grahams in meatloaf.

Additionally, during that final time of labor called transition, all the dependency of your partner on you for breathing and moral support goes down the toilet.  She's in pain and may say things that are not as joyful as the first parts of the whole experience.  You don't want to eat peanut butter crackers right before this stage, no matter how famished you are.  She WILL call you Peanut Butter Breath and reprimand you in front of any hospital staff member who is within earshot...and they WILL be within earshot!

...and finally, what's this thing called 'nursing' anyway?  At this point, yet another transition is made.  What was once hidden from the outside world is now the food source of this thing that came out of WHERE?  Suddenly, those things once hidden are exposed on demand and the kid is satisfied. 

None of my four pregnancies were alike and all were a gift.  Go on now!  Succumb to it!  Enjoy it all.  For someday you will have made it to the transition of watching the youngest getting ready to leave...and when you have reached this stage, you will have anecdotes for your kids to enjoy, and pearls of wisdom that will bring a smile.  So, what have I really learned about the pregnancy thing that I can share to help the next guy get through his own pregnancy?  NOTHING!! ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!!

When you're part of a pair who's with child,

And you say "'til next time" to the wild,

         Don't fear the position,

         Embrace the transition,

When the kid's shown his face, you'll have smiled.................

      

SPAM WATCHES, WRIST WATCHES, AND MANHOOD

     This is a story about spam.  I’m not talking about the kind you spread on your sandwich, but the kind you get embedded among your important emails.   For the longest time, I could check my work email and be assured that the junk email had been isolated, taken out and trashed.

     This year, though, my place of employment discarded the old garbage collector for a new and improved version.  It sounded like it would be the be all and end all of safety in my email account.   I would continue to get only work related items, and the advertisements would never see the light of day.

     The problem that surfaced during the summer was that there was a delay between the removal of the old spam detector and the installation of the new one.   Soon that safe, clean collection of valid emails became infested with dark, dirty invaders.  One at a time, I would check the preview pane and discard the offers of Rolex watches; RVs; and, most importantly offers to increase the size and quality of my manhood. 

     By late summer, the new and improved spam detection system had been installed and was good to go.  Once daily, I would get a summary email containing all those types of emails I was deleting one at a time.  This was great  I thought.  I don’t have to take the time to dismiss the offers of no use to me anymore.  I would only have to delete one item of nonsense per day.  I deleted it with the confidence that nothing valid was contained therein and it was all trash.

     Then, IT came…the request in the form of an email from the Administration to look at that summary carefully to see if any important emails were included because some were obviously being deemed spam, but they were actually of high importance. 

     So, every day I obediently look through my summary.  I rarely find anything work related, but have the comfort of knowing that if I ever need an RV, a new watch, or…………you know………..I’ll have a place to shop.

DANGER: TEACHER IN BAD MOOD!!

I have always dreaded having my picture taken. It seems like that image I have of myself in my brain always gets distorted when I see the photo.  I dread any picture that might appear on Facebook or on someone's digital library of the back of my balding head. Thank God Facebook allows me to untag myself in someone else's picture of me.

This year, Picture Day at school was no exception to the 'I hate cameras' facet of my life. I obediently did what I was told and went to the gym to visit the photographer. He took my slip of paper with my name on it and made me kneel.  Suddenly, I was kneeling for a Lifetouch photographer and before he could say, "Look right here and smile," the deed was done.  He said, "Yeah, that's a great one!"  I guess I burst his bubble when I looked at the image on his screen and said, "Yechhh!"  He said rather stunned, "Do you want me to take another one?"  I replied, "Naa, it's as good as it's gonna get." Thanks and see ya next year!

A few weeks have passed and as if looking in the mirror wasn't enough, this was the annual new photo ID in my mailbox week where I work. I am priveleged to work in a place of education, so I get a whole package, thanks to Lifetouch, with my photo in several sizes. I must interject that I am not a user of  foul words, and I have to be pretty disgruntled to even think of one, but for the past couple of years, when I look at my new school photo, I think WTF!!...and this time I don't mean Wasn't That Fantastic!!  Now I can look at the ID badge and see what I really look like, and then see it blown up!  Thanks to all those brilliant inventors who have used modern technology to enable me to see every line, every piece of stubble, and every out of place hair (or lack thereof!).  I never knew that my eyes were slightly crossed and bloodshot.  Thanks for bringing that into focus for me, Lifetouch!

That package of photos never made it home.  I don't want one of the reasons I look forward to my retirement to be that I won't have to get my picture taken at school anymore.............Airbrushing or digital restoring, please!

This Week's Senior Moment.........

This week's senior moment is noteworthy because it involves a coworker who had one simultaneously.  The school day had ended and we exited the building together.  The battery in my remote door unlocker had been disfunctional and I couldn't remember where I parked my car.  I was pressing the lock button hoping to have a revival moment and find my car, but it was not to be. Finally I remembered that the lot was rather full when I arrived at the school that morning, so it wasn't in my usual row.  I looked a little further and lo and behold, there was my car!  My coworker, who had been helping me spot my car, proceeded to try to unlock her vehicle with her remote door unlocker, pointing and wondering why the door wouldn't unlock.  After a couple of tries, she discovered it was not her car, but an identical one belonging to another coworker.  She proceeded to her own vehicle, and we laughed hard at our double dose of seniority, and bid each other a good evening.  We smiled as we relayed the story to more coworkers the next day........