My Personal Problems Exposed!

Here we go again!

It's a fact that I am not the best candidate to own a cell phone.  In the past, I have dealt with the embarrassment of taking countless photos of the inside of my pocket, having my phone ring at a funeral, and sending bogus pocket text messages.

Saturday, the thirteenth, was no exception.  It was around eleven in the morning when I noticed that I had a new text message from one of my coworkers.  It said, "REALLY?  Four times at six in the morning?  What were you doing?"

I was confused.  I jogged my memory to see if I did anything even once at six that morning.  I don't think I've ever done something twice in the same morning, let alone four times.  Then I checked the messages communicated before hers.  There were four messages sent by me saying "in a meeting." This is one of the pre-loaded text messages that came as a feature on my phone.  

Then I remembered!  It was the morning I helped my wife as she helped an organization that provided food for the needy provide fruit for runners of a 5K event.  I loaded her bounty into the car and rode with her to the event...all with my phone in my pocket.

So I guess I jiggled in just the right rhythm to send four bogus messages to my coworker, evidently the last person to text me before that time.  Upon noticing my little faux pas, I texted her apologizing for what happened.  Fortunately for me, she said that her phone was not near her when the messages were sent.

Since the incident, I've been keeping my phone at bay.
I also keep my phone ringer silenced at this point.  Disrupting my reading groups at school was getting embarrassing.  Getting weather alerts in the middle of the night was annoying.  So, at night and in school as well as all other times, I pretend it's bygone times: being able to work, drive, go to church, and sleep without full-time communication, just like the good old days!

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Last week, there was one morning that saw all the normal parts of my hygiene regimen completed, lunch was packed, and I was on my way to school.  The third grade classrooms are on the opposite side of the one-story structure than our office, and there is a significant distance for a elderly gentleman to walk.  When my teaching partner and I got to our classroom, I whispered to her in fear, "I think I forgot to put on deodorant this morning!"  

Being the polite friend and coworker that she is, she replied, "I don't smell you."

By the middle of that eighty-something degree day, and in that un-air conditioned building, my faux pas became more and more undeniable.  I only live a few miles from the school, so I could have gone home at lunch time and fixed the problem, but decided that by the afternoon, the kids had been in gym class, at recess, and were also in an un-air conditioned building, so no one would know if it was the children or me causing the unpleasant stench in the air.....

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The day I'd been anxious about for some time had arrived:  The day of my annual physical.  I must be getting old because these things take longer and longer every year.  Every year, I lay there in my underwear and get scrutinized...inside and out, and from one end to the other.  This year, I am happy to report that I'm as healthy as an old horse:

  Blood pressure...normal. (There are no kids living at home at this point.)  

Weight...no change (It's only the beginning of the school year and the snacks in the office have only just begun to show up, and as I've mentioned before, I get my physical as far away from my birthday and Christmas, the worst food days of the year, as possible.)  

Heart rate and pulse, lungs, skin...passed the test!

Then IT happened.  The doctor, who I've been using for my medical services for over two decades, alerted me that I have athlete's foot.  How could this be?  I've never been an athlete, how could I have athlete's foot?  He said I could use over the counter creams to control it, but that he would be happy to call in a prescription for a stronger cream.  I agreed, we finished the exam, and I went on my merry way.

I picked up the fungus fighter, brought it home, then read the prescription details.  Apparently, CVS Pharmacy filed my prescription by the first two letters of my last name followed by the word 'ACUTE' !

'BO ACUTE'!!  Did word of that day at school "without deodorant" leak into the community and into my personal pharmacy?  How embarrassing!

Here we go again!

The Diseases Attacking the Empty Nest

Friends, as you watch your little ones leave the nest and go off to college or another adventure, you are most likely feeling that normal sense of sadness.  You've had them around for so long, and they've been a source of love, reward, pride, annoyance, anger, and frustration.  Don't worry.  They'll be back....and while they are gone, they will have contracted one or more of these diseases.  Let's call the child who has left the nest and returns for a visit 'the returnee'.  Let's look at the maladies.  Let's be aware that they are not life threatening, that there is no medical cure for them, that Obamacare has not addressed them, and that they have an out-of-sight out-of-mind sort of existence.  The symptoms can be acute during their visit, but diminish quickly as they fly the coop again.

There is LeaveTheLightOn-itis.  This one attacks the returnees' ability to remember to turn the light off when leaving a room.

ConstantRation is your act of selecting products to help your environment as well as curb the ever-growing expenses.  In an effort to conserve paper towel usage and save a few pennies, you have purchased the select-a-size paper towels.  With these you can use half of a sheet of paper towel when drying your hands or wiping a small spill. The thrift you have demonstrated is diminished with the rapidly shrinking roll and overflowing waste basket.  For the returnee, three to four half sheets are necessary for any drying or spill-wiping need.

There's PerCup-sus.  This is the one that prevents the returnee from using a water glass more than once. The reaching for a new glass, in turn, results in  JetDry-lag, the constant running of the dishwasher.

There's Ask-ma.  This is the one that, despite the fact that the returnee has lived on his or her own for months at a time, and you really don't know what they do and when they do it, suddenly they are home and they ask you for permission to take a walk or have a snack, or anything else.

GoneArea is that space in your living room, dining room, kitchen, or hall that was free of clutter and safe to walk through, and is now a danger zone.  The returnee's backpack, papers, laptop, keys...you name it...have filled the voids.

Let's not forget Hip-Displace-ia.  This disorder appears the moment the returnee gets into your car or house, and he or she changes the hip music you are playing to something they want to hear, or turns your hip music off completely and put the television on.

Of all the new diseases we've contracted in our home since becoming empty nesters, this one is my least favorite.  It's called CanCuss-ion (a.k.a. Badder Inflection).  The returnees have been hanging out at colleges and in the workplace and some words have crept into their vocabulary.  It's unsettling when this disease appears.  You know you didn't teach them anything colorful, and did your best to watch your step while they were growing up.  Still, one can't look at movies, the Internet, or the world without hearing it, absorbing it, and emulating it.  You may never get used to the returnees' newly found freedom of expression!

Of course, no list would be complete without Bird Flew.  This is characterized by the lethargy and exhaustion felt by the Mom and Dad chickens when their chicks return to their independence. Suddenly it's too quiet. Where's the vocalizing?  What's this you see?  Television in English?  What's this you hear?   Music from the golden age of Rock and Roll...in English?!

Friends, fear not.  If the nest becomes more empty as the children grow and show signs of independence and happiness, you will adjust.  Before you know it, they will be returnees, and those diseases will invade your space and your newly adjusted ways.  I repeat, they are not life threatening and all the love, reward, pride, annoyance, anger, and frustration will return with them...intact!  A fact of life, and a good one!