Friends, as you watch your little ones leave the nest and go off to college or another adventure, you are most likely feeling that normal sense of sadness. You've had them around for so long, and they've been a source of love, reward, pride, annoyance, anger, and frustration. Don't worry. They'll be back....and while they are gone, they will have contracted one or more of these diseases. Let's call the child who has left the nest and returns for a visit 'the returnee'. Let's look at the maladies. Let's be aware that they are not life threatening, that there is no medical cure for them, that Obamacare has not addressed them, and that they have an out-of-sight out-of-mind sort of existence. The symptoms can be acute during their visit, but diminish quickly as they fly the coop again.
There is LeaveTheLightOn-itis. This one attacks the returnees' ability to remember to turn the light off when leaving a room.
ConstantRation is your act of selecting products to help your environment as well as curb the ever-growing expenses. In an effort to conserve paper towel usage and save a few pennies, you have purchased the select-a-size paper towels. With these you can use half of a sheet of paper towel when drying your hands or wiping a small spill. The thrift you have demonstrated is diminished with the rapidly shrinking roll and overflowing waste basket. For the returnee, three to four half sheets are necessary for any drying or spill-wiping need.
There's PerCup-sus. This is the one that prevents the returnee from using a water glass more than once. The reaching for a new glass, in turn, results in JetDry-lag, the constant running of the dishwasher.
There's Ask-ma. This is the one that, despite the fact that the returnee has lived on his or her own for months at a time, and you really don't know what they do and when they do it, suddenly they are home and they ask you for permission to take a walk or have a snack, or anything else.
GoneArea is that space in your living room, dining room, kitchen, or hall that was free of clutter and safe to walk through, and is now a danger zone. The returnee's backpack, papers, laptop, keys...you name it...have filled the voids.
Let's not forget Hip-Displace-ia. This disorder appears the moment the returnee gets into your car or house, and he or she changes the hip music you are playing to something they want to hear, or turns your hip music off completely and put the television on.
Of all the new diseases we've contracted in our home since becoming empty nesters, this one is my least favorite. It's called CanCuss-ion (a.k.a. Badder Inflection). The returnees have been hanging out at colleges and in the workplace and some words have crept into their vocabulary. It's unsettling when this disease appears. You know you didn't teach them anything colorful, and did your best to watch your step while they were growing up. Still, one can't look at movies, the Internet, or the world without hearing it, absorbing it, and emulating it. You may never get used to the returnees' newly found freedom of expression!
Of course, no list would be complete without Bird Flew. This is characterized by the lethargy and exhaustion felt by the Mom and Dad chickens when their chicks return to their independence. Suddenly it's too quiet. Where's the vocalizing? What's this you see? Television in English? What's this you hear? Music from the golden age of Rock and Roll...in English?!
Friends, fear not. If the nest becomes more empty as the children grow and show signs of independence and happiness, you will adjust. Before you know it, they will be returnees, and those diseases will invade your space and your newly adjusted ways. I repeat, they are not life threatening and all the love, reward, pride, annoyance, anger, and frustration will return with them...intact! A fact of life, and a good one!
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