fatherknowsbest: Happy Birthday...............To Janet…Did you know?

In tribute and in loving memory: My sister Janet, May 6th, 1949-July 9th, 2009

The piece below is not new. It was written in September of 2009, only a couple of months after my oldest sister Janet passed away after a courageously fought battle with pancreatic cancer. She was diagnosed in April of 2005 at age 55. Her cancer was encapsulated in a tumor in her pancreas, and she endured nearly half a day’s surgery, numerous cycles of chemotherapy and radiation treatments, loss of ability to eat, weight as low as 76 pounds, neuropathy in her hands and feet, swelling, and countless journeys to countless types of doctors. She was a survivor until the very end, always knowing what the probable outcome of the situation was going to be, but never losing the strength to fight the demon, and never losing the desire to keep up with her family and keep on living. She managed to squeeze in two trips to Europe, a Paul McCartney concert, an all-girl family excursion to New York City for a Broadway show, and much, much more. Finally, she just fell prey to the four years and three months of grueling procedures and chemicals and disease.

The initial months following Janet’s death were unbearably emotional. Though she often alluded to the fact that she was always concerned for the survival of her family, and that she knew that no one’s life was guaranteed, and the probability of her growing old gracefully was impossible, it was only a couple of weeks before that awful July day that Janet said for the first time to me that she probably would not get better. This Friday, May 6^th, will mark Janet’s 62^nd birthday, and though I’ve already shared this question filled poem on Facebook and with a few friends and family members, it is inexplicably important to me and I’d like to add it to this site. My everyday emotions for the few months that followed her passing are expressed in the words below.
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To Janet…Did you know?

Did you know that you’ve been the most compassionate person on Earth?

Did you know that I needed someone to talk to?

Were you ever anxious or upset or even happy about something?

How did you know I needed someone to just listen?

Why did you just listen to all I had to say?

How did you immerse yourself into my situation?

Why was yours always the perfect perspective, reaction, and advice?

Why did I always feel renewed and better than ever after your honest and sincere input?

Did you know that you’ve been the most courageous person on Earth?

Did you know that I was crushed when your cancer was diagnosed?

Did you know that I wanted to attack and destroy the cancer though I am afraid of confrontation?

Did you know I wanted to take the chemotherapy and light a match to it though I am afraid of fire?

Did you know that you’re my hero?

Do you remember that you never complained?

Where did you find the resolve to consistently try to beat the odds against the disease?

Did you know how I admire your refusal to succumb to cancer?

Why is it that fretting the little things is not important anymore?

Did you know that you’ve been the most intelligent and conscientious person on Earth?

Did you regret not going to college after high school?

Did you resent me for getting that opportunity you so desperately wanted?

Was the realization of your dream later in life everything you’d hoped it would be?

Did you know how awe inspiring you were as class valedictorian?

Did you know that you’ve been the most caring person on Earth?

Did you know that I noticed always your devotion to your own family?

Did you know that I depended on your constant nurturing nature?

Do you know how grateful I am that you showed your maternal self while I was a child?

Do you remember pushing the youngest sibling in a stroller with me and a crowd of my friends tagging along?

Were you aware that you became my companion, confidant, guide, and friend?

Did you know that you’ve been the best therapy on Earth?

Remember when you called me?

Remember when I called you?

Didn’t we converse constantly?

Didn’t you confide in me?

Didn’t I confide in you?

Did you feel me trying to show compassion and strength to you during the struggle?

Did you appreciate having someone to whom you could tell it like it was with this disease?

Did you know that your statement of the issues and the next course of action to fight the cancer were disturbing yet inspiring?

Did you know that your desire to know of my family and accomplishments and struggles in that same conversation was my therapy and the object of my admiration?

Did you know that those three conversations a week for all of my life were my therapy and my joy?

Did you know that you’ve been the most amazing person on Earth?

Did you know that you won the fight by surviving for more than four years with a disease that more commonly takes its victims in one?

Did you know that I wish I could hear that angelic voice just one more time?

Did you know that I wish I could see that smile again?

Did you ever wish there was no such thing as cancer and chemotherapy?

Do you know that I wonder how it will be continuing to live without the comforting constant of my oldest sister?

Did you hear me tell you that I love you?

Did you say ‘I love you’ back?

Can I be comforted in knowing that I will see you again?

Do you know that sometimes I worry that I won’t?

Didn’t you always do your best to be optimistic yet realistic?

Did I try to return the favor?

Did you know that I’m a better person for having had you as a sister?

Did you know that I was glad to see your suffering end?

Did you know that I will never be ready to say goodbye?

Do you know that I envision your unravaged spiritual presence guiding me through the days?

Do you know that I see you dancing with Dad in Heaven while the Grandmoms and Grandpops are watching?

Should this be comforting to me or do I really need you back here again?

Aren’t the rest of us blessed to know the comfort of family and friends?

Will it be enough to take the hurt away?

Will I think of you with dry eyes and a smile someday soon?

Will your absence ever stop being beyond belief?

Are you smiling and happy?

Do you know that I miss you terribly and will love you forever?
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I am blessed. As my family and I approach the second anniversary of Janet’s passing this July, we have had the opportunity to bask in the view of photos of a healthy gal, and stories of joy and shared memories abound, and it is slightly less often that something triggers the emotions of that early time.

Most days we survive, we laugh, we cry, we remember, we admire, we carry on with our busy routines. On the days that doesn't work, though, I read this and reflect and begin the process of healing again, and with each episode of emptiness, I feel a slightly quicker return to the everyday. For me, the passage of time, happy memories, and the duty and desire to carry on are a gift that can lie in the shadows of grief, but this personal sense of continuation of living and having faith is to Janet's credit, for she, I realize now, wanted no one to continue to mourn, but to fight to survive, much the way she did. There will never be another quite like her.

Happy Birthday my dear! I love you..............